What to say - or not say - to the bereaved? It's a perennial problem that besets us all some time or another. And, even though I've been working on my podcast Living With Dying for 15 months now, I can't say I'm much further along the road when it comes to that first conversation with someone recently bereaved. 

The main lesson I've learned is that everybody's loss is different, and everyone's grief is different. And that it helps, therefore, to try to pick up signals from the bereaved person. That's not always possible of course, but many people have told me that they just wish for an acknowledgement - 'I am so sorry' serves quite well, but not that dreaded phrase 'sorry for your loss' which is trotted out so often that it's come to feel glib and insincere. 

In the course of recording my podcast, I visited Mortlake Crematorium for a behind-the-scenes tour. I asked the director Natasha Bradshaw - what on earth do you say when grieving parents come along to arrange a funeral for a child or small baby? 'When I first meet them, I mostly don't say anything because they really don't want to be here. They don't want to be having to arrange a funeral, pick out a coffin, choose a crematorium. So, I stay quiet and let them lead the conversation.' 

But we all know that when we first hear of the death of a family member or friend, we feel a need to reach out. We want the surviving family to know that we're thinking of them, feeling for them, and feeling sad ourselves. And I've learned that bereaved families really appreciate those letters, emails and messages that arrive after the death of a loved one. It can be fascinating to read how other people experienced your loved one, how they impacted on other people, and you can learn details of their lives that you never knew. It gives great comfort to the bereaved to see how their person was loved, admired, appreciated. 

It's meeting people in person, and having the first conversation that's the most difficult. And that's when waiting for signals can help - some people will move in for a hug, others will shrink away. Some will want to pour it all out and be glad to have someone who'll listen, others will clam up. I've learned that good funeral arrangers will be alert for these signals and try to treat families in the way that's most appropriate for them. 

One young woman I interviewed - Jess - lost her husband at age 35 and found herself having to handle those around her with kid gloves - 'I found I was worried mostly about other peoples' grief and how to deal with their emotions rather than my own. I was adapting how I behaved to accommodate their grief and saying things like 'Yeah I'm alright' - because sometimes other people simply can't handle your emotions and don't want to see your raw grief'. 

That remark has stayed with me and impressed upon me how hard we should be working to allow the bereaved to be natural and express their grief in front of us whichever way they want. The last thing we want is them having to adapt or temper their emotions for the rest of us. 

Ginny Daly, who suffered the unbearable experience of delivering her still-born baby boy, found going back to work after 6 months exceedingly hard. People ignored her, avoided eye contact, and mostly said nothing. And some people, like those who weren't in her department and hadn't been informed, remembered her baby bump, and asked how the baby was. She too then found herself consoling them as they shed tears over her loss. I asked what she would have liked from those colleagues who did know what had happened. 'You want people to acknowledge what's happened and say sorry, because it's the silence that hurts the most. 

Something like 'I've heard what's happened. I'm so sorry. How are you?' And if you don't know what to say - say that! 'I simply don't know what to say to you'. Because at least that acknowledges what you've been through. 

Child Bereavement UK point out that it's really important for children returning to school after a bereavement to be in control of the situation. Ideally the family would contact the school beforehand and ask that everyone is prepared, so that the bereaved child knows that everyone knows. And then to choose whether they'd like the others to talk to them about it - or not mention it. Or a child might not want everyone to know and choose to tell only their best friends - but the key is that they have a choice. 

As another wise widow told me: 'When you present with a stiff upper lip and get on with things, everybody says 'you're doing so well!' So, the message from society is not to show your grief. Wouldn't it be better to congratulate those who dare to show their vulnerability, cry in front of us and display their sadness openly? Let people cry if they need to, and sit patiently with them while they do?' 

Indeed, I learned from a Budhist, that the Budha was good at 'sitting with people in the rain'. They believe that sometimes it can be better simply to sit with grieving people and say nothing. In the early days after a big loss, I can understand how helpful this could be - just knowing that someone else is beside you whilst going through your darkest times. 

Shobha Modi - a funeral arranger in Windsor suggests a few things to avoid. Don't say: 'Think of all the memories you have', 'You were lucky to have him/her', or 'She/he wouldn't want you to cry'. I had people say that to me - and I can't believe that some people think you can stop crying to order. Or that it's a good idea to suppress those tears. 

I think people trot out these platitudes for want of knowing what else to say - but I can attest to the fact that they don't help. At the moment when you've just lost the person you love most in the world, all you want is to have them back again. Memories and photos just aren't enough - they just don't fill the gap. You're never going to feel worse than you do at the present moment, and personally what I would have preferred is words such as. 'It must be horrid for you', I'm sorry you're having to go through this', 'it must be really hard'. 

One important lesson I've learned - and experienced - is that the bereaved really do want to talk about the person they've lost. One of my interviewees said: 'Talking about them validates that person and it's a reminder they existed. And they still exist in our hearts and in our lives and in our memories. It's very painful because they're not here as we would really like them to be, but talking about them keeps the memory alive.' 

Tanya Ednan La Perouse - mother of Natasha, who so sadly died of a sesame seed allergy on a flight to France - told me that the charity they've founded and the law they campaigned for - Natasha's Law - give her the chance to say her daughter's name out loud all the time. She gets some comfort from that, although obviously she'd far rather have her daughter alive. 

Encouraging the bereaved to talk often about those who've died - and using their name - is doing them a real favour. 

For practical advice about what to do to help someone after a bereavement, I went to Di Stubbs of Child Bereavement UK. In her experience, people do not appreciate it when someone messages - 'Anything I can do? Let me know.' They won't -because they'll be in such a fog that they won't be able to think of anything. 

'Instead, people do appreciate messages like: 'I'm in the supermarket, can I pick anything up for you?' Or 'I'm just putting a load of washing on and I've only got half a load - can I do any for you?' or 'I'm just going to the park with my kids - can I take yours?' Things that the person can say an easy yes to without having to think about it too much'. 

So those are some of the lessons I've learned but, and it's a big but, I have to confess that I still don't think it's easy! So much depends on how the other person is feeling - they might quite likely be hiding away from the world - and then it's hard for the rest of us to know how to reach them. But the basic message is do reach out. Send simple, sympathetic messages, let them know you care and that you're thinking about them, include their loved one's name. And don't expect a quick response, the time will come when they feel able to re-enter the world and then they'll appreciate that you cared. 

About the Author:

Dilys with her BBC Make a Difference Award

Dilys Morgan’s husband Michael, a familiar TV personality to anyone watching the BBC in the 70s and 80s, died aged 94 at Thames Hospice after a short illness. Dilys wanted to help other people living with bereavement, drawing from her own experience and others. Two years on from her husband’s death in 2022, Dilys, a former BBC journalist herself, launched and hosts her podcast ‘Living with dying: Let’s talk about death’. 

Dilys says, "When my husband Michael Barratt died last year I felt really lost. We'd been together 47 years and he was 19 years older than me - so I should have been prepared. But as I stumbled around trying to rebuild my life, I felt there was so much to learn, and I wished he and I had spoken about it more."

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